Lessons from “How to Win Friends and Influence People”

I didn’t read “How to Win Friends and Influence People” because I wanted to become a better teacher. I read it because I was tired. A book from 1936 had more to say about my band room than most of the professional development sessions I have sat through. Not because Dale Carnegie was revolutionary, but because he was honest about something this job requires that nobody in my preparation program mentioned: You are working with people before you are working with music.

Teaching Music Is a People Job (Whether You Like It or Not)

In an ideal world, if you plan rehearsals, pick good literature and know your content, everything will magically fall into place. But none of that works if you don’t have trust. Music classrooms run on relationships, not just routines. Carnegie’s whole premise is simple: People respond better when they feel respected, seen and safe. That’s how you bring your rehearsals to the next level.

If a student is wondering if they’re about to get called out, they’re not thinking about tone production. They’re thinking, “Please, not today.” That changes how they play — or if they play at all.

Know Your Kids Beyond Their Instrument

Carnegie talks about showing genuine interest in people. Not fake interest or “I-need-you-to-behave” interest — just real curiosity. Consider questions that you can ask your students: Who plays a sport, who takes care of younger siblings, how they like to be addressed, what music they listen to (outside of your concert pieces).

I had a student one year who never practiced [June: add link to Practice is a Skill]. At least that’s what I assumed. Turns out, he was working most nights and sharing a room with two siblings. Once I knew that, the way I approached him changed. Same expectations, different delivery.

When students feel known, they engage differently. They try a little more. Not because you demanded it, but because they feel like more than just their instrument.

Be Specific With Praise

Carnegie makes a big deal about sincere, specific appreciation. That applies directly to rehearsal.

Instead of “Clarinets, that was better,” try “Clarinets, your articulation lined up that time — that’s what makes that passage actually sound clean.”

Now they know what worked. Now they can do it again.

Correction ≠ Callouts

Direct criticism — especially in front of peers — can shut down kids fast. A student misses something, you stop, you correct it and they shrink into the chair. They might play again, but fight or flight has kicked in. That doesn’t mean you ignore mistakes. It means you change how you address them.

“Let’s take that again — listen for how the articulation lines up with the low voices,” is more helpful than “Trumpets, that was wrong,”

Let Students Keep Their Dignity

If a student feels embarrassed, they don’t take more risks — they take fewer. Sometimes the better move is less direct:

1. A quick conversation after rehearsal
2. Some written notes in their music the next day
3. A general correction instead of attaching a name

You still fix the issue — you just don’t make it personal.

Give Students a Stake in the Rehearsal

Kids buy in faster when they’re part of it. Asking questions is the easiest way to get kids involved.

“What do you hear in this section?”

You’ll get blank stares at first. That’s OK. You may be tempted to give students the answer, but this sets the expectation that they can outwait you. Be comfortable with silence. When you start involving them more, students begin listening differently. They start taking ownership.

Explain the “Why” (Even When It Feels Obvious)

“Sit up straight.”

“Play with more air.”

“Watch the conductor.”

We say these constantly. Students nod. And then nothing changes.

“Because I said so” isn’t motivating. “Sitting up gives you more air, which fixes the sound we just heard.” Now there’s a reason to the rule.

What This Looks Like in a Real Rehearsal

A student misses an entrance.

• Option A: “You missed that again. Next time, count.”
• Option B: “Let’s check what voices lead up to that entrance — who can help us find them?”

Option A is faster, but it creates tension. Option B takes more time, but it creates involvement. Try this over a week of rehearsal and you’ll notice engagement and accountability go up.

This Isn’t About Being Soft

It’s easy to read all this and think you just need to ease up. That’s not it. It’s about being effective. You still set standards. You still correct. You still push.

You just do it in a way that keeps students with you instead of against you.

You’ll still have rehearsals that feel off. You’ll still say the wrong thing. That happens. But Carnegie’s point is that people work harder for someone who sees them.

Your students already know you care about the music. Make sure they know you care about them, too.