Conflicts with Colleagues

Most job interviews include a question that sounds a little like this: “What do you do when you don’t agree with a colleague’s decision?”

You think about the hypotheticals then say how you can work through anything as long as there’s nothing illegal or immoral going on. You will be able to see their point, get them to see your side, and you both will talk it through together. It’s all going to be OK.

However, when people have to work together, things get complicated.

You’ve probably experienced this. A colleague said something that didn’t sit right. A decision was made without you. A student came to you confused because they were getting different information from two different rooms.

Now you’re trying to figure out if you’re overreacting, or if this is just the job. How you handle this next part may shape your working relationships for years. Not just with this person, but with everyone who watches how you operate.

Round Up Before You Do Anything Else

Before you send a text, draft an email or say a word to anyone in the building — assume positive intent.

Rounding up means asking yourself: Is it possible this person was trying to do something reasonable and it just landed wrong? Usually yes. Not always. But usually.

Rounding down sounds like: They’re undermining me, they don’t respect the program, they’re doing this on purpose. That’s the easy story to tell yourself. It’s almost never accurate, and it poisons the conversation before it starts.

How to do it: Write down what happened. Next to it, write one plausible explanation that doesn’t involve bad intent. You don’t have to believe it yet. You just need to consider it long enough to have a real conversation.

Get It Out of Your Head Before You Open Your Mouth

A disagreement with a colleague is not usually an emergency even though it may feel like one. Your brain wants to resolve it immediately, which means replaying the incident on a loop and building a case. That’s not useful — and acting on it too fast usually makes things worse.

How to do it: Write down the facts. Not your interpretation of what happened — the actual sequence of events. Then call a trusted mentor outside the building and tell them just the facts. Just saying it out loud usually defuses the situation. Sometimes you realize the problem is different than you thought. Either way, you’re in a better position to talk than you were an hour ago.

New teacher tip: You haven’t had enough practice with conflict to know what’s a real problem and what’s just disagreement between two people who work differently. Waiting a day costs you nothing. Saying the wrong thing costs you more.

Have the Conversation

Some people will do almost anything to avoid 10 uncomfortable minutes. Stop having lunch in the office. Change jobs. Spend an entire semester planning a war with someone they’ve barely talked to.

That’s a lot of wasted energy. And it usually makes things worse.

A few years ago, things between a colleague and me had been breaking down for about six months. I kept waiting for it to resolve itself. It didn’t. So, I asked him to dinner.

We talked. The issue between us was smaller than I thought. Different teaching philosophies in a couple of areas — that’s to be expected — but nothing that put either program at risk.

What it took was me accepting that people do things differently, and him not reading every difference as a criticism. The working relationship that came out of it was genuinely positive. We started leaning on each other’s strengths. None of that would happen if I kept the silent treatment going.

How to do it: Ask for a low-stakes meeting — coffee, lunch, a discussion after school. Keep the setting neutral and private. Go in with honest questions, not setups. The difference:

A setup: “Did you tell my students they didn’t have to practice?”

An honest question: “I heard something that confused me and I wanted to check in directly. Can I tell you what I heard?”

You don’t want to put someone on trial — you want to open a conversation.

Lead with how you experienced the situation, not what you think they intended. “I felt like this was happening because of that — am I reading it wrong?” is a real question. It gives them room to respond without getting defensive.

When the conversation is over, thank them. Even if you’re still frustrated. They gave you time they didn’t have to give.

Come In With a Solution, Not Just a Problem

It’s you and the person against the problem — not you against the person. That mindset changes the entire tone of what you’re walking into.

How to do it: Before the conversation, know what you’re hoping to walk away with. A defined process for shared band and choir students. An understanding of how decisions get made. An agreement about who gets looped in and when. You don’t need a formal resolution — you need one next step both people can live with.

Here are some working agreements that prevent future problems:

1. no major decision affecting the whole music program without the department talking first,
2. students don’t carry messages between teachers,
3. when something is unclear, ask before assuming.

Agreeing on these habits early avoids a lot of unnecessary damage later.

When It’s Administration

Be careful. Administrators are managing things that you can’t always see. That doesn’t mean their decisions are always right — it means the way you raise concerns requires a little more nuance.

How to do it: Document patterns before you bring them up. “We’ve lost five instructional days to scheduling conflicts this semester” lands differently than “Why don’t you care about the music program?”

Specifics give people something to act on. Complaining puts people on the defensive.

Come with a proposed solution, not just a vent. Bring data if you have it. And consider timing — sometimes a no means not right now, not never. Knowing the difference keeps you from taking it personally.

When the Person Is Just Difficult

Some colleagues are hard to work with. A few people operate in ways that make collaboration genuinely unpleasant, and a single conversation won’t change that.

You don’t have to be friends with everyone you work with.

How to do it: Stay professional. Coexist without making things worse. Avoid always and never in any conversation about them. Don’t recruit allies. Don’t bring students into it. Keep your interactions brief, respectful and task-focused.

A few other habits worth committing to regardless of who the colleague is: Don’t gossip, ask before assuming and don’t make decisions that affect others without telling them first.

If behavior crosses into something abusive or inappropriate, that changes things entirely — document it and go through the right channels.

For everything short of that, operate cleanly, keep some distance and spend your energy where it’s needed.

Remember, most disagreements aren’t about bad intentions. They’re about two people who haven’t talked enough yet.

Round up.