Indie Artist and Producer Illicit Ghost on Music as a Guiding Lifeline
The musician, songwriter and producer shares how songs travel faster than light through life’s dark tunnels
Written by Lisa Battles
New York native, multi-instrumentalist, songwriter and producer Illicit Ghost made the move to Nashville in 2022. It was a bold decision to move to a new city with no established support network, much less amid a global pandemic, perhaps more acutely daring for someone who’s tackled mental health challenges throughout life.
While she says the pandemic was the primary reason she chose to leave New York, the allure of music was also important. While some see a guiding light at the end of a tunnel, for her, it’s always been songs.
By then, she also had a few friends along for the journey – lessons learned through her instruments of violin, clarinet, piano and guitar – and the voice she’s developed through them all. For the past seven years, she’s been using that voice to guide others facing similar struggles.
Early expression through music
For Illicit Ghost, violin lessons began at age 3, opening the door to expression through music at the same time young children typically begin developing sophisticated verbal communication. While she took to both, the latter felt more natural, and she also picked up the clarinet in her middle school and high school years.
“The anxiety piece has always been there for me in school. When I was growing up, I remember sitting there and just shaking because I was afraid that the teacher was going to call on me. And that happened throughout college as well. If they did call on me, I didn’t feel comfortable speaking,” she says. “And then at the parent-teacher conferences, every teacher would be like, ‘Oh, she doesn’t participate and she’s too quiet.’ On the inside, it was like this war in my mind with all these racing thoughts and being on loop and then all this anxiety, just having to be around other people for so long during the day and just feeling uncomfortable.”
Meanwhile, she was always listening, mostly to music, whether it was what she produced, music made by others or her internal voice. When it all became too noisy, her actual voice would emerge, humming along to the music of the times, usually under blankets so her parents wouldn’t catch her listening to music they deemed inappropriate.
As a teen, songs by Third Eye Blind and Alanis Morissette resonated for different reasons. Eventually, she found yet another musical instrument to carry those thoughts and her voice from beneath her blankets: the piano.
Pulling back the covers
When her parents bought a baby grand piano when she was 14, she taught herself to play it, singing softly to herself. She says that was the start of her songwriting, and it also coincided with her first awareness of having mental health issues.
“I remember having these thoughts that would just be on a loop in my mind, and I thought it was normal. I didn’t know what was happening, so I just kind of pushed it down. Later, I would find out that that was OCD, the obsessive thinking, compulsions and doing things that would prevent something bad from happening,” she says.
Although mental health awareness has come a long way now, the silence surrounding it at this time of her life made it incredibly difficult to speak up about what was going on, she says. Songwriting on the piano provided a more comfortable form of expression.
When it was time to go to college, she chose to continue playing in the orchestra with the violin and the band with the clarinet, while not pursuing a major in music. By then, music had become her preferred communication style, and she did not want to compromise that touchstone.
“My heart was always in music, and I didn’t make it my major in college because I loved it too much and didn’t want to ruin it,” she says.
Instruments opening up a voice
After finishing her studies, she continued making music and playing shows. While still a reserved person, when it came to music, her extroverted side appeared in full force.
“I started to take songwriting a lot more seriously around age 24 and began writing songs, performing at open mics in New York City, playing violin with a backing track, and all these different bars pretty much three or four times a week at night. It was intense and competitive, but it was fun. That’s where I honed my performance skills and got more comfortable singing in front of people and playing. And making those connections in the community was vital for me,” she says.
The experience revealed a desire to learn about producing music, so she started contacting people whom she admired locally, asking for help and advice on what to do next. Again, bold, for a “quiet girl,” and those connections pointed her to Ableton software to learn and refine her production skills.
By 2018, she began releasing original music via her social media channels, starting with “Drunk and Alone,” written and produced during a huge snowstorm when she was trapped inside in Brooklyn. The song just came to her, she says, with lyrics focusing on the duality of both accepting and dismissing someone’s words while seeking solitude and inner peace. When she saw her music resonate, she began releasing several more tracks, including “Rabbit Hole,” which explores quiet struggles beneath the surface; “Weekend Warrior,” which leans into fleeting escape; and “Wide Open,” about wanting a connection where nothing is hidden. Another, “Help,” examines how difficult it can be to ask for support when you’re struggling internally. Acknowledging that struggle in herself and wanting to help others was one big reason she launched an Instagram Live series in 2020, called “Anti-Anxiety Hour.”
“When I was in school, not wanting to speak up, not wanting to be called on, it completely disappeared when I started performing. I don’t know why. Once I get on stage and I’m singing, it’s like I’m in this different world. I feel free. And I can feel people looking at me, but in some weird way, I’m okay with it,” she says. “Maybe part of that is because I know that I’m speaking from my soul and trying to get messages across that are important to me and maybe important to other people. And it just goes back to wanting to help people.”
Emitting song signals
Illicit Ghost has released several singles over the past seven years, focusing on emotional strength and combating inner struggles. While the dark moments of mental health issues can be an equalizer, what sets some people apart is how they’re equipped to get through them.
For Illicit Ghost, lessons learned through violin (patience), clarinet (breathing) and piano (opening up and singing) have been critical, she says. She also wants to hold a light at the end of a tunnel for others by sharing her story and what keeps her going.
“Music has taught me so much in life and has given me so many skills that I’ve been able to transfer over to my professional career, not only in music, just having that drive and being persistent. Mental health has always been really important to me,” she says. “Anyone else struggling isn’t alone. Just getting out of bed in the morning is the hardest part. If you can do that, you’re winning.”
“Yes, it is very hard for me to create when I am low, but finding that drive, even if there’s just a little bit inside, and just picking up the guitar or playing the piano is super helpful. I know [melancholy in music] has been romanticized, but it’s real for a lot of people. And channeling it into art for me has been lifesaving.”
